Posted by Lee Ann Lambert on July 2, 2009 under being different, living introverted | 
The short answer here is no.
The slightly less short answer is that a person isn’t missing out on life because of his or her introversion.
To make the answer a bit longer, it would be that you’re only missing out on life by being introverted if you view your introverted personality as a liability rather than seeing the coolness and beauty in it and realizing that your introverted life isn’t going to look like the media’s portrayal of what a life should be - both because you’re an introvert and because the media does a fine job of making everyone - introverts and extroverts alike - think their life sucks because they aren’t as rich, pretty, busy, exciting, successful, sought-after, clean, dirty, saintly, evil, young or old as those characters that are made for TV and the movies. Neither is your introverted life going to look like your extroverted neighbor’s life (but seriously, do you want it to?). That stuff’s all on the outside anyway.
The problem isn’t with you being introverted. If you feel like you’re missing out on something in life, the problem could be that you don’t know for sure what you want and you’re not sure how to find out what that is and then how to get it.
Besides that, there is pressure to be like everyone else (because this makes other people comfortable - think about it). You might be doing all those things that you think you should be doing in order to not miss out, and in the process be missing out!
So maybe for some introverts the answer is, yes - you’re missing out on life. But again, it’s not because of introversion. It’s because you haven’t yet defined yourself and your life and honored that.
Here’s my caveat for the day: That definition of self isn’t going to be the same today as it will be ten years from now. There’s a flow to this concept.
If you’re wondering how it is that you would go about finding out what you want out of your life try blocking out all the outside stimulus and influences that tell you what you’re supposed to be and then give yourself some time to think about and discover what’s really important to you. You might have to try a few things. You might have to experiment and check out some uncharted territory. It’s OK. You don’t have to commit to any of it until you find what makes you feel like you’re living.
Posted by Administrator on June 26, 2009 under being different, living introverted, social rituals |
photo: celebdu’s photostream
What introvert out there hasn’t been accused of being rude? We don’t say much sometimes. We can be rather stoic and our emotional responses are often very low-key compared to an extroverts. We don’t like having attention unnecessarily called to us. We don’t like it when strangers (and sometimes people we know) try to hug us and we pull away from people who are clingy (physically, emotionally and socially). Most of us have been looked at as being socially awkward at one time or another (which can be mistaken for rudeness).
But those things aren’t rudeness. They are natural ways of being and natural reactions for us. The accusation of rudeness comes from extroverts who don’t understand what introversion is and aren’t sure why we’re not as exuberant, demonstrative, talkative and excitable as they are.
So we’re not rude. Not by doing introverted things.
But, there are rude introverts (and lots of rude extroverts, too) out there and I’m here to suggest that if you’re using your introversion as an excuse for ignoring basic polite behavior, then you’re a rude person.
Here’s how to be a polite introvert - not a rude one:
- Don’t ignore people. Other people are humans, too. And humans (even introverts) want to be acknowledged, even if it’s with a nod of the head and a small smile.
- Saying thank you is good. I even say thank you to the crew of a plane I’m disembarking from (even if the landing was crappy), and especially to people who have been rude to me (I suppose this might be for karmic revenge purposes - if there is such a thing as karmic revenge). But what I really mean is that if someone has tried to do something nice for you or has provided a service to you - say thanks.
- Remember that extroverts like to be the center of attention. When you’re the center of attention, people will assume that you want them to make a big deal of it. Try to allow this to an extent. It can give others great joy to try to give you great joy by making a big deal out of you (twist your head around that!).
- If someone is talking to you, pay attention to what they’re saying. Try really hard at this, because we forget to listen, sometimes opting for planning an escape from the current boring conversation (by the way, extroverts do this too, but they forget to listen because they are thinking about what important thing they can interrupt with). You will want to make an occasional effort at joining conversations as well.
- When people try to hug and touch you without some sort of permission - well, you can draw the line on politeness there. If you need to, a straight-arm move does wonders for warding off huggers and touchers.
Use each of the above listed politeness pointers in moderation. We wouldn’t want to be accused of being extroverted or wear ourselves out listening to endless conversations (seriously, that’s very draining for introverts).
Hey! Don’t forget to read the book and then go review it on Amazon (unless you hate it - if you don’t like it, just pretend you didn’t read it).
Posted by Lee Ann Lambert on June 25, 2009 under living introverted |
photo: docnic
It’s always cool to find other bloggers who’ve written good introvert stuff.
There’s a nice post here by my friend Saif that gives a very thorough explanation of the whys and hows of introversion. Check it out!
Posted by Lee Ann Lambert on June 20, 2009 under living introverted |
photo: indiewench
This post isn’t about being introverted. It’s about being human and alive. So both introverts and extroverts are allowed to read this one. And other people too (those elusive ambiverts).
I’ve been thinking for the last couple days about disappointments, let downs, frustrations, conundrums, small crises, having things happen that make the you angry - all those things that are encountered during the course of a day, week, month or life. Not the big tragedies - that’s not what I’m thinking about.
I’m reflecting on things like knowing you need to leave a job because your boss and you just cannot find a way to get along or work together, the car breaks down, or you find out that you just overdrew (is that a word?) your checking account and there is a big fat NSF fee there that the bank helped itself to. What about getting a lousy grade in a class? Or encountering a really rude customer who you just cannot make happy? What about when a “friend” disses you, or when you’ve embarrassed yourself? These are troubles, yes. They are bothersome. They hurt and they cause inconvenience - sometimes BIG inconvenience. But they aren’t tragedies.
Sometimes we ruminate on mishaps, mistakes and misfortunes for a long time. We beat ourselves up. We get angry with others.
Sometimes people seem to brush off problems like this quickly, either ignoring them completely, or acknowledging them and moving on.
Some are our fault, some are not.
These are the kinds of things that can make day to day life on this planet hell if they’re allowed to - when they are given more time and energy than they should be given - or maybe even when they’re completely ignored.
We all run into small troubles. We all do idiotic things sometimes, and sometimes idiotic things happen to us even if we’ve done nothing to contribute to that circumstance.
I’m not going to offer affirmations or advice here. All I’m going to say is that one’s initial reaction to a problem, and how long one deals with the problem is up to that person. It’s all about perspective. It’s all about knowing what is important and what is being given more importance than it should be.
When you encounter a problem, where you are directing your energies? How are you finding solutions to the things you might be able to fix or a least improve, and what do you choose to shrug your shoulders about and say, “c’est la vie” to?
Perspective - there is always someone better off than you, and there will always be those who are in worse shape. Much of the stuff we let ourselves be upset about is stuff that we can’t do anything about. The rest is stuff that we can look for constructive answers to and do our best with.
Posted by Lee Ann Lambert on June 17, 2009 under being different, friends, living introverted |
photo: nonofarahshila
How do I balance my natural desire to be alone with my natural need for relationships?
Extroverts don’t have this question, because they have less need for alone time than introverts do and they also prefer to cultivate many relationships in their lives.
But introverts find this to be a stumbling block. I do in my own life. I have to make a concerted effort to remember that I need to call or at least email my friends (it’s a short list) and family. I can go weeks and months without making contact or inviting someone out for coffee or lunch or a stroll in the park. My need to spend lots of time by myself often beats out any need I have for companionship and conversation. But if I have friends (and family members that I want to be in touch with), they can’t be the only ones making the effort. Relationships involve giving and taking and yes, introverts need relationships (with the exception of a few introverts who are sworn hermits).
I’m not saying that an introvert needs lots of relationships, but we do need at least a few quality ones. So in this case, the introvert (that’s us) needs to put a foot over the line and pick up the phone or launch an email or send a card or invite for coffee or a martini. At some point the desire to share life’s ups and downs overrides the need to be alone. And then the pendulum swings back the other way.
We sometimes get disillusioned with all this friendship, relationship business. People can be jerks. They can suck the life out of you. They can be manipulative and nasty. They can be pests. So we go off into our cave and say, “Well, I’m done with people - they’re all idiots”. I’ve done it plenty of times myself.
But really, people aren’t all idiots. Some are actually nice, non-pestering, intelligent, thinking creatures. The trick is to find them and make them into your friends. The road to that end is peppered with people you’d prefer to not have to talk to again. That doesn’t mean you should give up. That means you should keep looking. There are people out there that aren’t insulted when someone turns down an invitation (just make the turn down appropriate). There are people out there that are introverts (then the trick is to keep both of you from forgetting to call or email once in a blue moon). There are people out there that are sincerely caring and good.
How do we find these people amid the din and chaos of the noisemakers and the troublemakers? We think outside the box. We smile. We don’t hide away. Get over the whole, “but I’m not an extrovert” thing. Of course you’re not. And yes it’s hard. It’s a pain in the ass, quite frankly. And it’s all a matter of balance. What do you want? What do you need? Are you willing to do your part? Are you willing to possibly get your toes stepped on from time to time?
Don Miguel Ruiz said in his book The Four Agreements, don’t take anything personally. In the world of relationships with family and friends, and with significant others, too, there is vast potential for both happiness and support, and hurt. When the disappointments come along, don’t take it personally - it’s not about you.
The bottom line is that most of us do want some friends and that because we’re introverted we tend to be more selective. We also want to be sure that the friendships we grow aren’t the kind that are going to be toxic or keep us from getting what we need for our physical and psychological health - alone time and peace and quiet. This puts a few twists in what for many, is a straightforward operation. It might not be as easy for us, but it’s worth it to understand that we can have great relationships, and they can be accommodating to our personality style. But we also have to stretch a little to get what we want.
